


my baby don't fret none, about what my hands and my body done

by newlifemoriarty



Series: hands that shake [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attack, Vax with Anxiety is v important to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 11:31:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5965777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newlifemoriarty/pseuds/newlifemoriarty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vax thinks too much, and sometimes his brain betrays him</p>
            </blockquote>





	my baby don't fret none, about what my hands and my body done

**Author's Note:**

> Decided I liked this too much not to post it. Vax with anxiety is now my most important headcanon

Vax wasn't stupid. He knew that the likelihood of them all walking away from this fight was so small it was barely worth considering. This was the biggest thing that any of them had ever faced. Images of watching the treachery demon wrap its claws around Pike's tiny form unwillingly filled his mind, no matter how hard he tried to forget those desperate moments. The thought of losing any of his new family kept him awake at night. And when he did sleep, horrible dreams plagued him.

The lack of sleep was beginning to show too. They only had a few more days to wait before the last group of allies arrived from Vasselheim, and then they would be facing the dragon. Vax walked around the Keep silently, a ghost drifting from room to room. He always kept himself busy, helping Percy in his workshop put the finishing touches on his latest trick, walking behind Pike and passing her fresh bandages and water as she tended to the refugees, walking the ramparts with Vex, even helping Laina wash up the ever increasing pile of dishes, ignoring her constant protests. Anyone who saw him could see just how much this was all affecting him. His skin was pale even for a half-elf, his eyes were sunken deep into their sockets and every now and then he would start to shiver uncontrollably. That was the worst part for him. One thing he could always trust was his hands, but when his brain began to run over and over his fears and his hands begun to shake so bad he could barely hold his daggers, he felt like his body was betraying him.

One afternoon he was out the back of the Keep silently throwing daggers at some targets when his brain began to tick over and he felt the first quivers start in his fingertips. Desperately, he gripped the dagger tightly and flung it at the target, but the tension in his body cause it to go wide, thumping into the wall before blinking back to his belt. What he thought was going to be a grunt of frustration came out as more of a strangled sob. He hadn't even noticed the tears prickling at the back of his eyes until his vision began to blur slightly. That's when he noticed the thrumming in his chest. He felt like he had be running a mile or was in the height of battle. Everything felt light and blurry and he suddenly very much wanted to be somewhere else, someone else, something else. He took a stumbling step back, intending to turn and walk back into the Keep, perhaps lie down for a moment but he found himself stumbling into a solid form.  
"Vax'ildan?" Gilmore's voice was quiet but concerned. Vax turned to face him, trying to form a soft dismissal but as he saw the sorcerers face, all he could see was the crumpled pile of blue velvet and blood they had found in the bunker under his shop. They were nearly too late, they were nearly too late.

The next thing Vax remembered was sitting on his bed with Gilmore's arms tight around him as he whispered calming words in his ear. Vax was just starting to get control of his breath again, and felt like he was waking up after one of his (too many) near death experiences. When he finally felt in control again he managed to shift enough so he was looking at Gilmore.  
"What... What happened?" he managed to ask, his breath only catching slightly on a half sob. Gilmore gave him the gentlest smile he had ever seen on the other man and lifted a hand to gently brush Vax's hair behind his ear.  
"That was a panic attack, my dear heart. Rather understandable considering the circumstances," Gilmore muttered, still running his fingers delicately through Vax's hair.  
"It can't happen again. I can't lose control like that again. I hate it. I hate it so much..." Vax whispered, allowing himself this moment of weakness and fear, pressing himself closer to Gilmore. The other man pulled him into a tight embrace.  
"It's alright," Gilmore whispered, "you're ok now." Vax leaned into the hug for a few moments more before gently pulling back, wiping the fresh tears from his cheeks.  
"I'll talk to Pike, but there are some herbs and things I think I can make into a little tonic. It might be enough to just let you sleep," Gilmore continued and Vax nodded somewhat numbly. Gilmore pressed a hand to the half-elf's cheek.  
"Do you need me to stay?" he asked but Vax shook his head.  
"I think I'm ok now," he said and Gilmore looked him over once but seemed satisfied with his answer.  
"Alright. I'll be just downstairs if you need me," he said before standing. Vax nodded and Gilmore gave him one last comforting smile before slipping out the room.

A few hours later, just at dusk, Gilmore returned, tonic in hand. Vax took it gladly and that night, for the first night in many weeks, slept soundly.


End file.
